In families and churches, we naturally expect protection. Care and nurture engender trust. That’s what makes it so difficult to see toxic situations for what they are. People dismiss warning signs because of the importance of the mission or because they can’t decouple their identity from their abusers.
For years, Russell Moore tried to change his denomination from within. He refused to be pulled out to sea by the political undertows that he believed were taking his peers away from Biblical principles. Furthermore, he defended whistleblowers who exposed abuse. As a result, he was shunned, defamed and harassed.
In a recent article for Christianity Today, he explains, “As neurologists and psychologists have shown, the experience of exile from a tribe is often experienced in the same way as physical pain.” He was caught in a never ending cycle of conflict and gaslighting, as though he were always the one that was wrong. This year, he finally broke free from the denomination that repeatedly rejected him. Same faith, new mission.
David’s son Absalom both experienced and perpetuated a toxic system. His sister Tamar was victimized and denied justice by people who should have protected her. Rather than confronting the issue directly, he dismissed his sister’s pain, while inside he seethed. His anger led to the murder of his brother Amnon, which sent him into exile.
When Absalom tried to return to his father, he lacked the emotional resources to repent and reconcile. Now the pain of injustice was compounded by the agony of ostracism. He burned the fields of David’s general, Joab, to coerce him to petition David on his behalf. But the relationship was never restored. Eventually, his offense escalated to insurrection.
By contrast, Moore has been largely open about his struggles and opposition to decisions he believed were contrary to Scripture. In fact, his article starts by telling the story of several whistleblowers. He reflects on how people get trapped in toxic systems, writing,
There are many reasons why people stay in toxic systems as long as they do. Some of those reasons are rooted in the human sins of pride and ambition and some in the human foibles of fear or ignorance. But not all are. In some cases, what’s at work is “betrayal blindness.” The concept belongs to psychologist Jennifer Freyd and refers to the need for a person to trust a spouse, a parent, a caregiver, or a leader and, when betrayed by them, to fluctuate between the need to end the abuse and the need to preserve the relationship.
“It Takes a Village to Escape a Toxic Leader,” Russell Moore in Christianity Today
Perhaps “betrayal blindness” was what prevented Absalom from confronting his brother and father over the injustice done to Tamar. Instead, his anger became all-consuming to the point of insurrection. By contrast, Moore seems to be on a path of spiritual and emotional health. Unlike Absalom, he had the courage to confront the underlying issue and had the self-awareness to admit that he needed to change the story.
What can we take away?
Like Moore, we may need to decouple our identities from work, church, or other environments in order to see them objectively and determine whether they are healthy or not. Walking away from a toxic situation does not need to mean walking away from our faith. We have the opportunity to choose the stories we want to live.
If you are struggling, I encourage you to meet with a counselor who can help you gain perspective and walk with you on the path to healing.